[It's watching you pee, and it likes what it sees...]
The Toilets Have Eyes, Coming to a theatre near you, November 2013
The strange part is that the toilets only flush if shake my dick off at the end of a long piss. Doesn't matter if I shit, I can sit down and stand up a million times or just do squats in front of the pisser, but it won't flush. But if I jangle my wang in front of them, they flush jubilantly. Oh well, such is my life. Wouldn't be the first person or thing that got jubilant at my moving wang.
I have received demands for more debauchery stories. Being that I am sometimes a symbiotic asshat, I will accede to said demands. Take a breif glimpse into my world and imagine the following scenerio:
It's [A non-incriminating date]. [Non-incriminating town], USA. About [Non-incriminating time]. You decide to whack it. You finish, barely anything comes out, and your dick feels kind of sore. Then you smell your hand:
On your clothes:
And in the background, well you did just jerk off, so there's that awkward smell of cum in a sheet of toilet paper telling you to hurry up and flush it. This time you also fish the fresh condom out of the trash and flush it instead of just leaving it in the trash. You call it weird. I call it a post work wank.
[Hah! I bet half of you were expecting a picture of a dick! Wait... What?]
This joke is specifically funny because his name is Dick and depending on your political ideology and interpretation of the 2000-2008 presidency of George W. Bush, you may or may not find him to be a dick, A term used here as a slang term for jerk. Also dick is a slang term for Penis and I was discussing masturbation.
I have a knack for getting free stuff for free. My friend asked me to find a copy of the last seasons of Entourage. I had gotten a few bootleg movies from an attractive classmate of mine in the past. Except, while we were waiting for it all to copy to my external hard drive (which is possibly more nerdy than the pocket drive I now have), we decided to split a bottle of wine. A massage ensued, followed by making out, fooling around and me getting oral.
"Can you ask your friend from that Anime thing you do to get me Entourage?"
"I don't think he's the kinda guy that watches Entourage. Also... I'm not gonna bug my friend to D/L a bunch of shit you can watch online for free anyway."
"Really? Dude, just go online and do it yourself."
"Hey what about that chick you got all those movies from?"
My mind trailed off: Oh shit I know where this is going
"No I don't really think that's a good idea." Usually it's a bad idea to call someone up to ask them for free stuff AND sexual favors.
"Why not? She sucked your dick the last time she gave you stuff!"
"Cuz I haven't called her since --" Woops. I honestly don't know what I was thinking on that one, she was cute and nice and... (I'm fucking retarded) "Yeah, why don't I just call her up and go: Oh hey baby, wanna let me come over so I can steal your bandwidth and you can suck my dick? Yeah. Soooo fucking romantic."
"Fine, just go over to her place and take a shit on her chest and get me entourage."
"Wait, how the shit did we go from me getting oral and free shit to me taking a shit on someone's chest?"
Yes, that was a real conversation. Yes, it continued to go on, sometimes in circles, but the jist is I was expected to call this chick up, steal her bandwidth, deliver a Cleveland Steamer and stroll on out. If only life worked that way... well minus the pooping part. Maybe.
[Would you believe that nobody has Photoshopped a steamroller with the Stanley Steamer Logo?]
Nobody has Photoshopped a Stanley Steemer van that says "Cleveland Steemer" either. Fuck
As for now, I do not seek... and I will not accept an invitation to continue this blog post. So until next time, my young racketeers, you can vote more effectively with a few well placed dollars, than you can with a few well placed votes.