Sunday, June 3, 2012

I am a Timeshare Sinner

If there is a hell, I'm definitely going to it. Maybe. Probably. Definitely. Back in 2010, during my stint in the Census, I came across many a folks who I managed to either, scare, charm, guilt, impress or barter with to get them to comply with filling out ten god damned questions. This is not a story about one of those times. This is about the portly, older black Jehovah's witness that literally shit stomped me so hard that my head spun.

 [Try as I might, I really can't hear Jehovah's Witness without One Winged Angel playing in my head]
If One Winged Angel played as they walked from door to door I might consider joining. Okay no I wouldn't, but I wouldn't take potshots at them from my roof any more.

This is about the woman who was an IRL speech check boss. Every little trick and nuance, from flattery to implied threats failed to get her to yield the 10 questions. Then she began to preach. I let her begin, hoping to uncoil the answers from her firm zealot's grasp. After nearly four hours standing in the blistering sun, several glasses of water and a few cookies (Even Jehovah's witnesses make good baked goods) she relented to provide me with the 10 questions in exchange for me agreeing to a weekly bible study. As an added humiliation she almost got me to consider going to a Jehovah's witness convention under the premise of meeting beautiful young women.

Totally legit, yo
 [At least if I roll with Jenova I'm allowed to be a SOLDIER and get blood transfusions]
Also their conventions? Totally bad ass, even if just a tad bit over the top

Luckily my penis snapped me into sanity when it realized it wouldn't be getting in any of that. I mean beautiful women that won't touch your penis but still want your money? At least at the strip clubs I get to see some titties for my donations. (Say what you want but truly religiously motivated women really are lock crotches and aren't freaks in the sack)

Anyway, every Sunday about 8:00-9:00pm I get a call to do over the phone bible study. I stuck with it for a few months because I promised to, but I just couldn't find myself going down the Jehovah's witness path. One weekend I was out being a promiscuous man whore as was the standard fare for summer of 2010. The dinner ended early, as we were both human garbage disposals. We proceeded to go back to my car and drive out to a local lake which is relatively secluded. We began to chat. Then she began to chat to my dick. Nothing unusual for a first date at that point.

SUDDENLY: Wild Jehovah's witness calls. Fuck. I had totally forgotten about that. "Don't worry, you can answer it," she said. I thought about explaining it to her then shut up and pulled out my little bible book. I bullshitted for about 10 min, then pulled a generic "Gotta go, my hamster is on fire" type deal just as I was getting close to finishing. Although, now that I think about it, an excited utterance of "Oh God" or "Oh God, Yes!" might have been hilarious. The resulting fallout of "Oh, fuck yeah" might not have been.

In retrospect I feel bad for her, just because, how does your brain handle giving oral to someone who is doing over the phone bible study? She fumbled a bit in poor attempt of asking for an explanation before I told her if she played her cards right I'd explain over a bottle of wine at my place. She accepted. The night went well.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I'm a timeshare sinner. And I have a condo in hell.

[It's like this but with more succubi, fire and brimstone. Also the screams of the damned]
Also fucking Hitler is on the floor above me always goosestepping at 4:00am. And crying into his emo diary. Fucking Hitler

So until next time, my fellow sinners. Let's pray that the Jehovah's Witnesses aren't totally correct, or I just might lose that condo and the complimentary succubi chicks. And trust me, 'dem succubi be worth it, timeshares or not.

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