Well, It's been a while... hasn't it? Today'sTopics: Sentient toilets and Poor Parenting. Let's Go!

You're in the middle of getting you bone on when you hear a what sounds like a wet snapping of bone, or someone throwing their keys at a plaster wall. You stop your thrusting and do a once around the room with a confused look on your face that say "HUH?"Your, erm, companion hook up of the evening's face turns red and gets to half laughing. 

[This is the reason why I withdrew the term Companion. Yes, I am this much of a nerd]

 If you don't get it and I know you in real life, we can no longer be friends

Hey, I'm not the only one who farts during or after sex. So Fuck your noise.

As I was pooping in the Gay/Lesbian/Bi-Sexual/Transgender support lounge the other day, I managed to set off the toilets when it caught a glimpse of my rectum, convincing me that the toilets in the GLBT support lounge are in fact fully homosexual. (Or straight and female with a thing for pegging) The toilets earlier were shown to only react to my waving wang, but have added my tender, succulent ass to the list.

BONUS CONTENT:

(Brought to you by today's Sponsor: Justifiable Homicide) 

Working at that liquor store is slowly destroying my faith in humanity. Now, I'm no parent. I know I'm not anywhere near being ready emotionally, financially or maturity wise to be a parent.

 [And when I am a parent, I will undoubtedly be a terrible, if not well-fed parent]

BONUS POINTS: Children are free labor once they're old enough to help lift the bodies

So maybe I have no place to judge, but I think that you might be a terrible parent...

-If you attempt to pay for a "haffa pint" with your WIC card. Last time I checked E&J is not part of a balanced breakfast
-If your morbidly obese child is limited to two bags of chips because he's "on a diet"
-If your twelve year old has more gang tattoos then felons that are twice his age

Now, I think it's probably fair to say that the above mention is indication that you're a terrible parent. And as a future horrible parent, I think my next judgement is definitely more than fair.

[No, I don't give a shit how much you cry, Delilah, you're stuck using that 12 gauge until you have the upper body strength and fine motor skills to hit something with a Kalashnikov]

But if you eat all your vegetables, I'll let you burn down the neighbor's garage with some thermite

-If you refuse to let your child have a 50 cent bag of peanuts because you "need the money to play another number" then you are without doubt or question, a horrible parent. 

The joys of selling products that destroy lives. Oh well, someone's gonna do it, I might as well be the one collecting the pay check.

We now return you to your irregularly scheduled, 

debaucherous asshat blogging away on the internet.

 

Anyway back on topic: Sentient, latently homosexual toilets or heterosexual Toilets with an apparent pegging fetish.

 [Which is fine, so long as they don't take this documentary as an instruction manual]

I mean most toilets force us to touch their jiggly parts as is. Just think about that for a moment

On the notion of toilets, I've come to the conclusion that the biggest challenge for a male in the year 2012 is to figure out how to make a god damned toilet flush, especially the urinals. Some are motion activated, some work by string, some work by lever or knob. Some work by pushing a button, and some work by playing voyeur.


Now, like the normal, well adjusted human being I most clearly am, I'd almost immediately come to the conclusion that bars and restaurants are conspiring together to use different toilet flushing mechanisms to confuse drunk assholes like me. It's clearly the only logical solution. 

Except, well, picture this:
Its 2012, your friend drags you along to some British farce on Japanese culture written in the old time days. So you're in some semi-stuffy old folk's theatre that's one step above community college theatre and one step down from total high class theatres simultaneously. There's the air of money and the air of poor college students intertwined, and everyone seems okay with it. Eventually all the water you drank catches up with you and you have to use the pisser. You enter the mens bathroom and find: Two urinals, one toilet, each with a different flushing mechanism. REALLY? C'mon guys, I can't figure this shit out half the time without taking five minutes, old people -- your theatre's staple patron, sure as hell can't do it any faster.


Can we just bring back the urinal penis flushers? Please?

[If you don't see at least three penises in this picture, then you're doing it wrong]

And if you think further, you're giving them a hander. Every. Single. Time. Enjoy your strange half woody next time you flush

Oh shit, what is this? -- I don't even... I'm not very good with Blogs...

[Damn it, I wanted our new robot overlords to look like Summer Glau!]

Well it isn't that bad I suppose. I mean hey, free hander! I guess it's about time they returned the favor after all

And that's the show stopper. Sentient toilets giving you a hander while you take a piss is a bit too much for even me to continue with. So, until next time... you know what, pray there isn't a next time. I mean seriously, sentient robot urinals? Yeah. Nope. Later.

Filler Episode One of Twelve until I use my Super Powers

I have noticed that the all the toilets at my University have been upgraded to the new "modern" toilets that have a motion sensor in them. Now, that in itself is kind of creepy, because it's only a matter of time before some whacked out asshole decides to place a camera in there and watch you pee. What's even creepier is that out of every bathroom I've visited at this university only two of them work: The two toilets in the Gay/Lesbian/Bi-Sexual/Transgender support lounge. Now that's not the strange part.

[It's watching you pee, and it likes what it sees...]

The Toilets Have Eyes, Coming to a theatre near you, November 2013

The strange part is that the toilets only flush if shake my dick off at the end of a long piss. Doesn't matter if I shit, I can sit down and stand up a million times or just do squats in front of the pisser, but it won't flush. But if I jangle my wang in front of them, they flush jubilantly. Oh well, such is my life. Wouldn't be the first person or thing that got jubilant at my moving wang.

I have received demands for more debauchery stories. Being that I am sometimes a symbiotic asshat, I will accede to said demands. Take a breif glimpse into my world and imagine the following scenerio:

It's [A non-incriminating date]. [Non-incriminating town], USA. About [Non-incriminating time]. You decide to whack it. You finish, barely anything comes out, and your dick feels kind of sore. Then you smell your hand:

-Cloves
-Pussy
-Gun powder/solvant

On your clothes:

-Cloves
-Perfume
-Whiskey
-Gun powder

And in the background, well you did just jerk off, so there's that awkward smell of cum in a sheet of toilet paper telling you to hurry up and flush it. This time you also fish the fresh condom out of the trash and flush it instead of just leaving it in the trash. You call it weird. I call it a post work wank.

[Hah! I bet half of you were expecting a picture of a dick! Wait... What?]

This joke is specifically funny because his name is Dick and depending on your political ideology and interpretation of the 2000-2008 presidency of George W. Bush, you may or may not find him to be a dick, A term used here as a slang term for jerk. Also dick is a slang term for Penis and I was discussing masturbation.

I have a knack for getting free stuff for free. My friend asked me to find a copy of the last seasons of Entourage. I had gotten a few bootleg movies from an attractive classmate of mine in the past. Except, while we were waiting for it all to copy to my external hard drive (which is possibly more nerdy than the pocket drive I now have), we decided to split a bottle of wine. A massage ensued, followed by making out, fooling around and me getting oral.

"Can you ask your friend from that Anime thing you do to get me Entourage?"

"I don't think he's the kinda guy that watches Entourage. Also... I'm not gonna bug my friend to D/L a bunch of shit you can watch online for free anyway."

"Oh C'mon."

"Really? Dude, just go online and do it yourself."

"Hey what about that chick you got all those movies from?"

My mind trailed off: Oh shit I know where this is going

"No I don't really think that's a good idea." Usually it's a bad idea to call someone up to ask them for free stuff AND sexual favors.

"Why not? She sucked your dick the last time she gave you stuff!"

"Cuz I haven't called her since --" Woops. I honestly don't know what I was thinking on that one, she was cute and nice and... (I'm fucking retarded) "Yeah, why don't I just call her up and go: Oh hey baby, wanna let me come over so I can steal your bandwidth and you can suck my dick? Yeah. Soooo fucking romantic."

"Fine, just go over to her place and take a shit on her chest and get me entourage."

"Wait, how the shit did we go from me getting oral and free shit to me taking a shit on someone's chest?"

Yes, that was a real conversation. Yes, it continued to go on, sometimes in circles, but the jist is I was expected to call this chick up, steal her bandwidth, deliver a Cleveland Steamer and stroll on out. If only life worked that way... well minus the pooping part. Maybe.
    

     
[Would you believe that nobody has Photoshopped a steamroller with the Stanley Steamer Logo?]

Nobody has Photoshopped a Stanley Steemer van that says "Cleveland Steemer" either. Fuck

As for now, I do not seek... and I will not accept an invitation to continue this blog post. So until next time, my young racketeers, you can vote more effectively with a few well placed dollars, than you can with a few well placed votes.